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Shenley Road, Woodhall Farm, Hemel Hempstead, Herts. HP2 7JZ
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Holtsmere End Junior School Blogs

Holtsmere End Junior School Blogs.

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Miss Mustafa's class, please peer assess this piece of writing.

Hello children,

I have received this piece of writing from a pupil who wants help to improve it.

Can you give them any ideas?

One day I was walking home across the park I saw something in front of me. I did not know what it was. It seemed to be some sort of animal. I decided to keep walking passed it with my head down. As I walked directly passed my foot accidently hit the beast and it let out a long growl. I looked down and the beast started to get up. It was clearly in a bad mood because I woken it from its slumber. It looked me straight in the eyes. It was a Minotaur!

Let me know what advice you have to give the writer to improve this paragraph.

(Tip - be as polite and diplomatic as you can be when you respond.)

Thanks for your help!

Mr Heskin :)

Recent Comments
Guest — Keelan Barrett
maybe you can change walking with strolling
Wednesday, 23 March 2016 14:55
Guest — DANIEL
This was a good piece of writing try and use commas instead of loads of full stops!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, 23 March 2016 15:00
Guest — ARCHIE
This is a good try why not try to use a simile? E.g.as i was walking as slow as slug
Wednesday, 23 March 2016 15:06
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1232 Hits
3 Comments

Mr Heskin's class, please peer assess this piece of writing.

Hello children,

I have received this piece of writing from a pupil who wants help to improve it.

Can you give them any ideas?

One day I was walking home across the park I saw something in front of me. I did not know what it was. It seemed to be some sort of animal. I decided to keep walking passed it with my head down. As I walked directly passed my foot accidently hit the beast and it let out a long growl. I looked down and the beast started to get up. It was clearly in a bad mood because I woken it from its slumber. It looked me straight in the eyes. It was a Minotaur!

Let me know what advice you have to give the writer to improve this paragraph.

(Tip - be as polite and diplomatic as you can be when you respond.)

Thanks for your help!

Mr Heskin :)

Recent Comments
Guest — Corey Wilson
Well done! You could improve the writing by including dashes and describing how you felt EG. I saw the minotaur- a shiver fell dow... Read More
Tuesday, 22 March 2016 14:52
Guest — Corey Wilson
Also try to include more adventorous vocabulary EG. One sunny Saturday morning, I was strolling down my local park until... A disa... Read More
Tuesday, 22 March 2016 15:04
Guest — HaadiyaH & NigelaaM
Incredible piece of work!!! Next time try and add a co-ordinating conjunction and similes to have a range of sentences and make ... Read More
Tuesday, 22 March 2016 15:13
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1456 Hits
4 Comments

Mr Smyth's class, please peer assess this piece of writing.

Hello Children,

 

I have received this piece of writing from a pupil who wants help to improve it.

Can you give them any ideas?

 

One day I was walking home across the park I saw something in front of me. I did not know what it was. It seemed to be some sort of animal. I decided to keep walking passed it with my head down. As I walked directly passed my foot accidently hit the beast and it let out a long growl. I looked down and the beast started to get up. It was clearly in a bad mood because I woken it from its slumber. It looked me straight in the eyes. It was a minotaur!

 

Let me know what advice you have to give the writer to improve this paragraph.

(Tip - be as polite and diplomatic as you can be when you respond.)

 

Thanks for your help!

 

Mr Heskin :)

Recent Comments
Guest — Dylan kocel
an amazing piece of work but I think you could improve it by adding expanded noun phrase( many on the you could expand on the pa... Read More
Thursday, 17 March 2016 15:11
Guest — Jakub K
Great piece of writing! I think you could improve it by describing the minotaur more. Like saying how it moves and what colour it ... Read More
Monday, 14 March 2016 14:53
Guest — Natasha m and Olivia m in year 6.
We think your writing was really good but there is room for improvement. There are many things you can add to it, like fronted adv... Read More
Thursday, 17 March 2016 15:12
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1278 Hits
5 Comments

Miss Grimer's class, please peer assess this piece of writing.

Hello children, 

 

I have received this piece of writing from a pupil who wants help to improve it. 

 

Can you give them any ideas? 

 

One day I was walking home across the park I saw something in front of me. I did not know what it was. It seemed to be some sort of animal. I decided to keep walking passed it with my head down. As I walked directly passed my foot accidently hit the beast and it let out a long growl. I looked down and the beast started to get up. It was clearly in a bad mood because I woken it from its slumber. It looked me straight in the eyes. It was a minotaur!

 

Let me know what advice you have to give the writer to improve this paragraph.

 

(Tip - be as polite and diplomatic as you can be when you respond.)

 

Thanks for your help!

 

Mr Heskin :)

Recent Comments
Guest — Shreeharsh and Ross
Nice piece of writing Mr Heskin. Why don't you try to improve to make it even more better!
Monday, 14 March 2016 14:46
Guest — Charles and Jakub
well done that is a great piece of advice
Monday, 21 March 2016 13:57
Guest — Shreeharsh and Ross
Great piece of writing! Why not try to avoid repetition to make it even better!
Monday, 14 March 2016 14:50
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1951 Hits
22 Comments

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Our Address:
Holtsmere End Junior School
Shenley Road,
Woodhall Farm,
Hemel Hempstead,
Hertfordshire.
HP2 7JZ
Telephone:
01442 253189
Email:
This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.


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