Blogs
Awards Banner

 

Shenley Road, Woodhall Farm, Hemel Hempstead, Herts. HP2 7JZ
Tel: 01442 253189 | Email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

1 minute reading time (155 words)

Mrs Shaw's Class Writing Blog 2018

Hello children, 

I have received this piece of writing from a pupil who wants help to improve it. 

Can you give them any ideas? 

One day I was walking home across the park I saw something in front of me. I did not know what it was. It seemed to be some sort of animal. I decided to keep walking passed it with my head down. As I walked directly passed my foot accidently hit the beast and it let out a long growl. I looked down and the beast started to get up. It was clearly in a bad mood because I woken it from its slumber. It looked me straight in the eyes. It was a minotaur!

Let me know what advice you have to give the writer to improve this paragraph.

(Tip - be as polite and diplomatic as you can be when you respond.)

Thanks for your help!

Mr Heskin :)

Mr Heskin's Class Book review
Mrs Tredwell's Class Writing Blog 2018
 

Comments 2

Guest - Alfie and charlie on Monday, 26 March 2018 15:02

A great piece of writing , you can include :
1) Describe the Minators features e.g.(face, eyes, horns and fangs) Its eyes glared at me with a dark red colour.
2) A range of punctuation e.g. ( : ; , . ? ) The Minator awoke : I made a sudden movement.
3) You could also use a simile

A great piece of writing , you can include : 1) Describe the Minators features e.g.(face, eyes, horns and fangs) Its eyes glared at me with a dark red colour. 2) A range of punctuation e.g. ( : ; , . ? ) The Minator awoke : I made a sudden movement. 3) You could also use a simile
Guest - Tyrell and David on Monday, 26 March 2018 15:02

I really liked your story,the minotaur was my favourite part.However, you could add in a few more things.A simile would be good in your writing. You could do something like it was as scary as riding a roller coaster. Fronted adverbials could be good because it would add cohesion. Try however or although in your writing. You could use although like this although I was scared I didn't look back.

I really liked your story,the minotaur was my favourite part.However, you could add in a few more things.A simile would be good in your writing. You could do something like it was as scary as riding a roller coaster. Fronted adverbials could be good because it would add cohesion. Try however or although in your writing. You could use although like this although I was scared I didn't look back.
Already Registered? Login Here
Guest
Sunday, 22 July 2018

Our Location

Our Address:
Holtsmere End Junior School
Shenley Road,
Woodhall Farm,
Hemel Hempstead,
Hertfordshire.
HP2 7JZ
Telephone:
01442 253189
Email:
This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.


S5 Box

Login

Register

You need to enable user registration from User Manager/Options in the backend of Joomla before this module will activate.