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1 minute reading time (155 words)

Mrs Tredwell's Class Writing Blog 2018

Hello children, 

I have received this piece of writing from a pupil who wants help to improve it. 

Can you give them any ideas? 

One day I was walking home across the park I saw something in front of me. I did not know what it was. It seemed to be some sort of animal. I decided to keep walking passed it with my head down. As I walked directly passed my foot accidently hit the beast and it let out a long growl. I looked down and the beast started to get up. It was clearly in a bad mood because I woken it from its slumber. It looked me straight in the eyes. It was a minotaur!

Let me know what advice you have to give the writer to improve this paragraph.

(Tip - be as polite and diplomatic as you can be when you respond.)

Thanks for your help!

Mr Heskin :)

Mrs Shaw's Class Writing Blog 2018
Miss Farren's Class Writing Blog 2018
 

Comments 4

Guest - Ryan on Tuesday, 27 March 2018 14:54

You could make some changes like adjectives or verbs for that and if you it to be even better.

You could make some changes like adjectives or verbs for that and if you it to be even better. :D
Guest - Alex on Tuesday, 27 March 2018 14:54

It is a very good piece of work but it needs more Fronted adverbials like Suddenly , However and more puncuations like ; ',/[]. :

It is a very good piece of work but it needs more Fronted adverbials like Suddenly , However and more puncuations like ; ',/[]. :
Guest - Zak on Tuesday, 27 March 2018 14:54

WOW! That was a good piece of writing. I loved the tension leading up to the minotaur. I think it could get better by changing the two words 'passed' to 'past' but ,then again, it is a common mistake. Also, the beginning of the paragraph needs a comma and there is a missing word after park in the same sentence - which could be replaced with 'and' or 'when'. Another way to improve this absolutely great writing is by upgrading some of the sentence starters instead of keep having 'I' or 'it'. Honestly, overall this writing is fantastic!

WOW! That was a good piece of writing. I loved the tension leading up to the minotaur. I think it could get better by changing the two words 'passed' to 'past' but ,then again, it is a common mistake. Also, the beginning of the paragraph needs a comma and there is a missing word after park in the same sentence - which could be replaced with 'and' or 'when'. Another way to improve this absolutely great writing is by upgrading some of the sentence starters instead of keep having 'I' or 'it'. Honestly, overall this writing is fantastic!
Guest - sam on Tuesday, 27 March 2018 14:54

you could add punctuation like colons, semi-colons, exclamation marks and brackets.

you could add punctuation like colons, semi-colons, exclamation marks and brackets.
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Saturday, 26 May 2018

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01442 253189
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