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Shenley Road, Woodhall Farm, Hemel Hempstead, Herts. HP2 7JZ
Tel: 01442 253189 | Email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Holtsmere End Junior School Blogs

Holtsmere End Junior School Blogs.

Miss Mustafa's class, please peer assess this piece of writing.

Hello children,

I have received this piece of writing from a pupil who wants help to improve it.

Can you give them any ideas?

One day I was walking home across the park I saw something in front of me. I did not know what it was. It seemed to be some sort of animal. I decided to keep walking passed it with my head down. As I walked directly passed my foot accidently hit the beast and it let out a long growl. I looked down and the beast started to get up. It was clearly in a bad mood because I woken it from its slumber. It looked me straight in the eyes. It was a Minotaur!

Let me know what advice you have to give the writer to improve this paragraph.

(Tip - be as polite and diplomatic as you can be when you respond.)

Thanks for your help!

Mr Heskin :)

Mr Heskin's class, please peer assess this piece o...
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Comments 3

 
Guest - Keelan Barrett on Wednesday, 23 March 2016 14:55

maybe you can change walking with strolling

maybe you can change walking with strolling
Guest - DANIEL on Wednesday, 23 March 2016 15:00

This was a good piece of writing try and use commas instead of loads of full stops!!!!!!!!:):p

This was a good piece of writing try and use commas instead of loads of full stops!!!!!!!!:):p
Guest - ARCHIE on Wednesday, 23 March 2016 15:06

This is a good try why not try to use a simile?
E.g.as i was walking as slow as slug

This is a good try why not try to use a simile? E.g.as i was walking as slow as slug
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Monday, 19 February 2018

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Holtsmere End Junior School
Shenley Road,
Woodhall Farm,
Hemel Hempstead,
Hertfordshire.
HP2 7JZ
Telephone:
01442 253189
Email:
This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.


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