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Shenley Road, Woodhall Farm, Hemel Hempstead, Herts. HP2 7JZ
Tel: 01442 253189 | Email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

1 minute reading time (160 words)

Mr Smyth's class, please peer assess this piece of writing.

Hello Children,

 

I have received this piece of writing from a pupil who wants help to improve it.

Can you give them any ideas?

 

One day I was walking home across the park I saw something in front of me. I did not know what it was. It seemed to be some sort of animal. I decided to keep walking passed it with my head down. As I walked directly passed my foot accidently hit the beast and it let out a long growl. I looked down and the beast started to get up. It was clearly in a bad mood because I woken it from its slumber. It looked me straight in the eyes. It was a minotaur!

 

Let me know what advice you have to give the writer to improve this paragraph.

(Tip - be as polite and diplomatic as you can be when you respond.)

 

Thanks for your help!

 

Mr Heskin :)

Mr Heskin's class, please peer assess this piece o...
Miss Grimer's class, please peer assess this piece...
 

Comments 5

Guest - Jakub K on Monday, 14 March 2016 14:53

Great piece of writing! I think you could improve it by describing the minotaur more. Like saying how it moves and what colour it may be. Thanks for sharing this cool piece of writing!!!

Jakub

Great piece of writing:):):):)! I think you could improve it by describing the minotaur more. Like saying how it moves and what colour it may be. Thanks for sharing this cool piece of writing!!! Jakub
Guest - Dylan kocel on Thursday, 17 March 2016 15:11

an amazing piece of work but I think you could improve it by adding expanded noun phrase( many on the you could expand on the park,home and animal) also add some powerful adjective

an amazing piece of work but I think you could improve it by adding expanded noun phrase( many on the you could expand on the park,home and animal) also add some powerful adjective
Guest - Natasha m and Olivia m in year 6. on Thursday, 17 March 2016 15:12

We think your writing was really good but there is room for improvement. There are many things you can add to it, like fronted adverbials(such as All of a sudden) , a range of punctuation and sentence types and some extra description.

We think your writing was really good but there is room for improvement. There are many things you can add to it, like fronted adverbials(such as All of a sudden) , a range of punctuation and sentence types and some extra description.
Guest - Tolu W on Thursday, 17 March 2016 15:13

Great piece of writing, I think you can inprove this by giving more describing the way he felt when he hit the creature
Thanks for this cool piece of writing

Great piece of writing, I think you can inprove this by giving more describing the way he felt when he hit the creature ;);) Thanks for this cool piece of writing
Guest - Tolu W on Thursday, 17 March 2016 17:17

Great piece of writing,! I think how you can improve is by describing how he felt when he accidentally hit the beast.Like saying how he reacted on the outside and how he rreacted on the inside,.Thanks so much for sharing this great piece of writing!!!!!!!!!!!

Great piece of writing,;);););)! I think how you can improve is by describing how he felt when he accidentally hit the beast.Like saying how he reacted on the outside and how he rreacted on the inside,.Thanks so much for sharing this great piece of writing!!!!!!!!!!!
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Sunday, 21 October 2018

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Holtsmere End Junior School
Shenley Road,
Woodhall Farm,
Hemel Hempstead,
Hertfordshire.
HP2 7JZ
Telephone:
01442 253189
Email:
This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.


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