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Shenley Road, Woodhall Farm, Hemel Hempstead, Herts. HP2 7JZ
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1 minute reading time (162 words)

Miss Grimer's class, please peer assess this piece of writing.

Hello children, 

 

I have received this piece of writing from a pupil who wants help to improve it. 

 

Can you give them any ideas? 

 

One day I was walking home across the park I saw something in front of me. I did not know what it was. It seemed to be some sort of animal. I decided to keep walking passed it with my head down. As I walked directly passed my foot accidently hit the beast and it let out a long growl. I looked down and the beast started to get up. It was clearly in a bad mood because I woken it from its slumber. It looked me straight in the eyes. It was a minotaur!

 

Let me know what advice you have to give the writer to improve this paragraph.

 

(Tip - be as polite and diplomatic as you can be when you respond.)

 

Thanks for your help!

 

Mr Heskin :)

Mr Smyth's class, please peer assess this piece of...
Well done and good luck!
 

Comments 22

Guest - Shreeharsh and Ross on Monday, 14 March 2016 14:46

Nice piece of writing Mr Heskin. Why don't you try to improve to make it even more better!

Nice piece of writing Mr Heskin. Why don't you try to improve to make it even more better! :p
Guest - Shreeharsh and Ross on Monday, 14 March 2016 14:50

Great piece of writing! Why not try to avoid repetition to make it even better!

Great piece of writing! Why not try to avoid repetition to make it even better! :)
Guest - Charles and Jakub on Monday, 21 March 2016 13:57

well done that is a great piece of advice

well done that is a great piece of advice
Guest - Lewis Rose on Monday, 14 March 2016 14:53

Lewis Rose
Amazing piece of writing! Next time you could try to include some expanded noun phrase to add some extra information to the noun.Or you couldinclude dashes or brackets to also add extra information.
But except for that amazing piece of writting!

Lewis Rose Amazing piece of writing! Next time you could try to include some expanded noun phrase to add some extra information to the noun.Or you couldinclude dashes or brackets to also add extra information. But except for that amazing piece of writting!
Guest - Ellie Carrington on Monday, 21 March 2016 14:19

Really good comment Lewis

Really good comment Lewis:)
Guest - Shreeharsh on Monday, 21 March 2016 14:02

Amazing piece of writing!!!!!
To improve it use a range of punctuation or you could add an expanded noun phrase like this:
The towering, petrifying beast gave me a stern look ; I was frightened.
Thank You!

Amazing piece of writing!!!!! To improve it use a range of punctuation or you could add an expanded noun phrase like this: The towering, petrifying beast gave me a stern look ; I was frightened. Thank You! :p:p:p:p:p:p:p
Guest - Shreeharsh on Monday, 21 March 2016 14:09

Amazing piece of writhing. To edit it even more why don't you add expanded noun phrases. It could explain the noun better. You could also have a range of punctuation so it looks a little like this:

The towering beast looked down at me and gave me a stern look ; it was petrifying!
Thanks!

Amazing piece of writhing. To edit it even more why don't you add expanded noun phrases. It could explain the noun better. You could also have a range of punctuation so it looks a little like this: The towering beast looked down at me and gave me a stern look ; it was petrifying! Thanks!;););):p:p:p:p:D:D:D:):):)
Guest - she and steerla on Monday, 21 March 2016 14:15

I think it is a great piece of writing but you could try a different word to walked like:strolled, marched, ambled, strode and paced . Also you could of used colons/semi colons.Brackets and a dashes to add information and

I think it is a great piece of writing but you could try a different word to walked like:strolled, marched, ambled, strode and paced . Also you could of used colons/semi colons.Brackets and a dashes to add information and
Guest - BRYONY PANASHE on Monday, 21 March 2016 14:16

This is a great piece of writing but it could be improve.Make sure you add figurative language. One day I was walking home across the park, the sky's eyes twinkled in the deep blue sky, I saw something in front of me- what was it?. It cast a creepy shadow;it gave me the shivers . It seemed to be some sort of animal it had dark skin I suppose because it was dark. I decided to keep walking past it with my head down it glared at me. As I walked directly past my foot I accidently hit the it and it let out a beastly growl. I looked down and the beast started to arise. It was clearly in a bad mood because I woken it from its slumber. It looked me straight in the eyes deep into my soul. It was a Minotaur!

This is a great piece of writing but it could be improve.Make sure you add figurative language. One day I was walking home across the park, the sky's eyes twinkled in the deep blue sky, I saw something in front of me- what was it?. It cast a creepy shadow;it gave me the shivers . It seemed to be some sort of animal it had dark skin I suppose because it was dark. I decided to keep walking past it with my head down it glared at me. As I walked directly past my foot I accidently hit the it and it let out a beastly growl. I looked down and the beast started to arise. It was clearly in a bad mood because I woken it from its slumber. It looked me straight in the eyes deep into my soul. It was a Minotaur!
Guest - Ellie Carrington on Monday, 21 March 2016 14:17

I loved this piece writing but I think you could improve it a lot. Hear is a sentence you could use. Suddenly, the monster jumped out at me with its razor sharp teeth waiting to dig into me.

I loved this piece writing but I think you could improve it a lot. Hear is a sentence you could use. Suddenly, the monster jumped out at me with its razor sharp teeth waiting to dig into me.
Guest - Emmanuel O and Taylor W on Monday, 21 March 2016 14:23

Good piece of work! Next time extend your sentences. Here is an example: One sunny afternoon, I was walking home from the park; I saw a dark shadow behind me. I suddenly felt a wet drop of saliva drip down my face, I was really scared now! It seemed to be some sort of creature. I decided to keep walking with my head faced down. As I walked past, my foot accidently hit the beast in the chest and it let out a ferocious growl. It looked up at me as if I was its lunch, the beast started to get up. It was clearly in a bad attitude after I had woken it from its slumber. The creature looked at me straight in the eyes, soon I realised what it was….It was a Minotaur!

Next time use some fronted adverbials so you can build up cohesion.
Overall it was a great effort.

Good piece of work! ;) Next time extend your sentences. Here is an example: One sunny afternoon, I was walking home from the park; I saw a dark shadow behind me. I suddenly felt a wet drop of saliva drip down my face, I was really scared now! It seemed to be some sort of creature. I decided to keep walking with my head faced down. As I walked past, my foot accidently hit the beast in the chest and it let out a ferocious growl. It looked up at me as if I was its lunch, the beast started to get up. It was clearly in a bad attitude after I had woken it from its slumber. The creature looked at me straight in the eyes, soon I realised what it was….It was a Minotaur! Next time use some fronted adverbials so you can build up cohesion. Overall it was a great effort. :)
Guest - Joshua and Elijah on Wednesday, 23 March 2016 18:49

Great advice Emmanuel I completely agree with your comment.
Building up cohesion through fronted adverbials is a great way to vary your sentences.

Great advice Emmanuel I completely agree with your comment.:):):) Building up cohesion through fronted adverbials is a great way to vary your sentences.
Guest - George Bott and Dylan kennell on Monday, 21 March 2016 14:26

A great piece of writing however it could do with more description. How about:

The beast was engulfed in rough hairs and had horns capable to rip clean through titanium as if it wasn't there!

A great piece of writing however it could do with more description. How about: The beast was engulfed in rough hairs and had horns capable to rip clean through titanium as if it wasn't there!:D
Guest - Shreeharsh on Monday, 21 March 2016 14:27

Amazing piece of writhing. To edit it even more why don't you add expanded noun phrases. It could explain the noun better. You could also have a range of punctuation and a fronted adverbial so it might look like this:
On a cold Friday, night I was on the way back home when I saw a towering Minotaur that stood in my way. It gave me a stern look and then the beast gave me a loud growl that almost deafened me. I tried to walk past it but it wasn't giving me a chance. The creature had dark blood-red eyes that showed hatred to me. A large mouth that took up most of his face. Two muscular arms that could squish me like an insect. And two huge, strong legs ; i was petrified.

Amazing piece of writhing. To edit it even more why don't you add expanded noun phrases. It could explain the noun better. You could also have a range of punctuation and a fronted adverbial so it might look like this: On a cold Friday, night I was on the way back home when I saw a towering Minotaur that stood in my way. It gave me a stern look and then the beast gave me a loud growl that almost deafened me. I tried to walk past it but it wasn't giving me a chance. The creature had dark blood-red eyes that showed hatred to me. A large mouth that took up most of his face. Two muscular arms that could squish me like an insect. And two huge, strong legs ; i was petrified.
Guest - stella and olivia on Monday, 21 March 2016 14:28

I think it was a great piece of writing but you could of used other words for walked such as: strolled,marched, strode and paced. Also you could use colons and semi colons. you could use brackets/dashes to add extra information

I think it was a great piece of writing but you could of used other words for walked such as: strolled,marched, strode and paced. Also you could use colons and semi colons. you could use brackets/dashes to add extra information :)
Guest - Guest_ Raisa and Madalina on Monday, 21 March 2016 14:29

Raisa and Madalina
Amazing piece of writing! Well done Miss Grimer

Try not avoid repetition and try not to start a sentence with an I. Maybe you could use fronted adverbial's ( e.g: One day, As I walked directly passed, ) and some punctuation might work as well such as (_) , ? - - : ;

Raisa and Madalina Amazing piece of writing! Well done Miss Grimer :) ;) Try not avoid repetition and try not to start a sentence with an I. Maybe you could use fronted adverbial's ( e.g: One day, As I walked directly passed, ) and some punctuation might work as well such as (_) , ? - - : ;
Guest - Charles and Jakub on Monday, 21 March 2016 14:30

Really good piece of writing. Maybe the person who written it, could describe the Minotaur more to put an image in the readers head. Also, some of the spellings are wrong like: passed should be past.

As I was walking home, I saw a dark figure towering over me-what could that be?

Really good piece of writing. Maybe the person who written it, could describe the Minotaur more to put an image in the readers head. Also, some of the spellings are wrong like: passed should be past. As I was walking home, I saw a dark figure towering over me-what could that be?
Guest - Ellie Carrington on Monday, 21 March 2016 14:31

Hear is a way you could write one of the sentences

One day I was having a stroll through the park as I saw a beast he had a really long beard that looked like it had a lot of food stuck in it.

Hear is a way you could write one of the sentences One day I was having a stroll through the park as I saw a beast he had a really long beard that looked like it had a lot of food stuck in it. :D
Guest - Lewis Rose And Jamie Golding on Monday, 21 March 2016 14:33

Amazing piece of writing! But you could try to include some expanded noun phrases so instead of saying it was a Minotaur. You could say It was a blood-curdling spine-chilling minotaur! Also you could try to include some dashes or brackets to add extra information. So you could put instead of putting. As I walked directly past accidently hit the beast and it let out a long growl. You could put as I walked down the street- trying to get away-my foot trembled into the beast, it let out a stretched growl. This is how I would of wrote the paragraph.
One day I was walking home in the pouring rain and i saw a anonymous figure laying there. Not taking any risks i started to sprint. As I was nearly home his tail stretched out across my front door. I slowly creped past him to try to get home but I tripped over him. He arose from his slumber. It was a blood-curdling Minotaur. It raised up looking for what woke it up- will I make it out alive?
But accept for that amazing work!

Amazing piece of writing! But you could try to include some expanded noun phrases so instead of saying it was a Minotaur. You could say It was a blood-curdling spine-chilling minotaur! Also you could try to include some dashes or brackets to add extra information. So you could put instead of putting. As I walked directly past accidently hit the beast and it let out a long growl. You could put as I walked down the street- trying to get away-my foot trembled into the beast, it let out a stretched growl. This is how I would of wrote the paragraph. One day I was walking home in the pouring rain and i saw a anonymous figure laying there. Not taking any risks i started to sprint. As I was nearly home his tail stretched out across my front door. I slowly creped past him to try to get home but I tripped over him. He arose from his slumber. It was a blood-curdling Minotaur. It raised up looking for what woke it up- will I make it out alive? But accept for that amazing work!
Guest - Ross on Tuesday, 22 March 2016 17:49

nice piece of writing. you could us some similes and also describe how you are felling well done

nice piece of writing. you could us some similes and also describe how you are felling well done
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Monday, 18 June 2018

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