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Holtsmere End Junior School Blogs

Holtsmere End Junior School Blogs.

Mr Heskin's class, please peer assess this piece of writing.

Hello children,

I have received this piece of writing from a pupil who wants help to improve it.

Can you give them any ideas?

One day I was walking home across the park I saw something in front of me. I did not know what it was. It seemed to be some sort of animal. I decided to keep walking passed it with my head down. As I walked directly passed my foot accidently hit the beast and it let out a long growl. I looked down and the beast started to get up. It was clearly in a bad mood because I woken it from its slumber. It looked me straight in the eyes. It was a Minotaur!

Let me know what advice you have to give the writer to improve this paragraph.

(Tip - be as polite and diplomatic as you can be when you respond.)

Thanks for your help!

Mr Heskin :)

Mr Smyth's class, please peer assess this piece of...
Miss Mustafa's class, please peer assess this piec...

Comments 4

 
Guest - Corey Wilson on Tuesday, 22 March 2016 14:52

Well done! You could improve the writing by including dashes and describing how you felt EG. I saw the minotaur- a shiver fell down my spine! I was petrified!:) Great work

Well done! You could improve the writing by including dashes and describing how you felt EG. I saw the minotaur- a shiver fell down my spine! I was petrified!:) Great work
Guest - Corey Wilson on Tuesday, 22 March 2016 15:04



Also try to include more adventorous vocabulary EG. One sunny Saturday morning, I was strolling down my local park until... A disastorous shadow towered over me! I decided to keep walking, trying to get away from the object. A shiver fell down my spine! I was petrified what could it be? Reluctantly, I quickly turned around. I saw a revolting minotaur- how could I be? "Grrrrr!" The Minotaur screeched! Great writing hope you take on the advice. Try not to use as many I's

Also try to include more adventorous vocabulary EG. One sunny Saturday morning, I was strolling down my local park until... A disastorous shadow towered over me! I decided to keep walking, trying to get away from the object. A shiver fell down my spine! I was petrified what could it be? Reluctantly, I quickly turned around. I saw a revolting minotaur- how could I be? "Grrrrr!" The Minotaur screeched! Great writing hope you take on the advice. Try not to use as many I's
Guest - HaadiyaH & NigelaaM on Tuesday, 22 March 2016 15:13

Incredible piece of work!!! :)
Next time try and add a co-ordinating conjunction and similes to have a range of sentences and make two simple sentences into one compound sentence. Like this:

One lovely summer day I was walking home across the park when I saw something hairy towering above me. I glared at the floor, certain not to look it in its beady eyes. I saw dark Crimson substance scattered all over the path. I froze. It was like I was held in captivity. I slowly and carefully stepped around it- but it still awoke. It let out a long, deep growl and it shook the ground. The beast started rise it was clearly in a bad mood because I had awoken it from its deep slumber. It peered into my deep hazel eyes. It was a minotour....

Great writing and a brilliant effort;)

Incredible piece of work!!! :) Next time try and add a co-ordinating conjunction and similes to have a range of sentences and make two simple sentences into one compound sentence. Like this: One lovely summer day I was walking home across the park when I saw something hairy towering above me. I glared at the floor, certain not to look it in its beady eyes. I saw dark Crimson substance scattered all over the path. I froze. It was like I was held in captivity. I slowly and carefully stepped around it- but it still awoke. It let out a long, deep growl and it shook the ground. The beast started rise it was clearly in a bad mood because I had awoken it from its deep slumber. It peered into my deep hazel eyes. It was a minotour.... Great writing and a brilliant effort;)
Guest - Sophie and Pooja on Tuesday, 22 March 2016 15:13

I love the comment about the Minotaur! Next time you could include expanded noun phrase and alliteration. One day I entered the petrifying park.Suddenly, I saw a paculiar creature roaming around. I had not a clue what it was and what it was and why it was here. It seemed to be some sort of fury, dark brown and tall towering animal.As I walked directly past, my foot accidentally mugged it and it let out a long, fierce and loud growl ... Will he be mad at me ;);)

I love the comment about the Minotaur! Next time you could include expanded noun phrase and alliteration. One day I entered the petrifying park.Suddenly, I saw a paculiar creature roaming around. I had not a clue what it was and what it was and why it was here. It seemed to be some sort of fury, dark brown and tall towering animal.As I walked directly past, my foot accidentally mugged it and it let out a long, fierce and loud growl ... Will he be mad at me ;);)
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Wednesday, 17 January 2018

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Hemel Hempstead,
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HP2 7JZ
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01442 253189
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